No matter how well organized your spiritual retreat is, things can still go wrong, and conflicts will arise among participants or even between the retreat leaders and some participants. While conflict can bring out the worst in people, it’s also an opportunity to learn more about yourself, others, and your purpose on this planet. This article will provide you with tools to navigate conflict at your retreat, so you can come away from the experience with even more wisdom than you had to go in.
Recognize The Problem
When something comes up, it’s natural to want to jump right in and fix it. However, trying to fix a conflict before you understand what is happening can be ineffective and even harmful. If you notice things are off, try using phrases like I get the sense that… or I understand that… This shows everyone that you are listening and will help people talk about how they feel. In addition, ask questions like: What do you think has happened? Be mindful of your emotional state: It is often hard not to take conflicts personally. Try not to react defensively and listen closely so you can address specific behaviors rather than attack someone personally.
Try not to react defensively and listen closely so you can address specific behaviors rather than attack someone personally.
Offer support. When your group feels like it’s about them, not you, it’s easier for them to open up and share how they are feeling. For example, say something like: It looks like there’s been some conflict here and I want everyone to know that I am committed to finding ways we can be more harmonious so we can make progress toward our goals. Mirror people’s statements so that they know you’re listening to understand. This will help keep people from getting defensive as well as identify where problems may lie in future scenarios. If you spot patterns or issues that come up over and over again, try writing them down so you can work on handling these situations better moving forward.
Move forward to resolve the issue once you’ve figured out what is going on and let people know how you are going to move forward. This can be as simple as “I hear what you are saying, and I want us all to feel safe and respected so that we can focus on our purpose here. For me to do that, I need everyone’s help. Moving forward, if anyone feels like someone is being disrespectful or crossing boundaries, please bring it to my attention immediately so that we can work on resolving it.”
Be Open to Resolving the Issue
Open communication is essential for resolving any conflict. If you’re looking for an amicable resolution, approach your fellow retreaters with care and take time to listen to their side of things. Try not to be defensive or come up with reasons why they’re wrong or making mistakes. Instead, hear them out, validate their experience, and express understanding. See if you can understand where they are coming from and what has led them to feel upset, angry, or hurt by the actions. If you can identify some points of common ground it will help parties work towards a solution that is fair and reasonable for everyone involved.
By taking time to consider what they’re upset about and working with them on an amicable solution, even if you don’t personally agree with it, you can demonstrate maturity and wisdom that will help build trust among all parties involved in your community. And perhaps more importantly, how you handle conflicts now can set a precedent for how conflicts are handled in the future. Before you begin, clear your mind, and come from a place of neutrality. Meditate before going into conflict; then maintain mindfulness throughout so as not to fall into judgmental patterns or repeat past mistakes.
Approach It Directly
The best way to deal with conflict is head-on. Talk about how you’re feeling and why. This might seem scary—and it can be, especially if you don’t feel like people will listen or that they’ll judge you—but in most cases, talking through your feelings will help ease some of them. The more direct you are, and the sooner you approach someone after a conflict arises, the better off you’ll be. It’s always better to address any issues as soon as possible. If something’s bothering me, I try my best not to hide it but talk about it right away so we can figure out what’s wrong and move forward without unnecessary issues down the road.
It’s also important to remember that sometimes communication isn’t enough. If you find yourself in an ongoing conflict with someone, you may want to consider talking it over with a neutral third party who can help both parties work through their differences. Sometimes just hearing your perspectives from outside sources can help solve problems and make progress. Having a third person involved can keep things more objective when emotions are running high.
The most important thing you can do is listen carefully and try to understand where others are coming from. They might be thinking about it differently or have different expectations than you. Your way of approaching or solving things may have angered them without meaning to. When conflicts arise, it can be easy to get defensive—especially if you think someone’s attacking your character or skills. It’s hard not to see every comment as an accusation when we feel like we’re under attack.
Sometimes just listening closely and being present in face-to-face dialogue helps people open up and talk through problems easily enough for themselves.
Take deep breaths, remember that you’re all there for one reason: to find peace together—and don’t let emotions get in the way of making progress. Do your best not to let the tension build up over time because then resolving issues will become even more challenging. Try talking through solutions early on before there’s too much anger or resentment built up.
Don’t avoid conflict altogether though; sometimes getting something out in the open can help you deal with it better and overcome issues quickly. Bringing attention to certain obstacles or frustrations in group settings can lead to a productive conversation rather than creating negative feelings between individuals. This only works though if everyone feels respected and safe during these discussions—if not, feelings may end up becoming hurt unnecessarily by careless comments or actions that aren’t fully thought through.
Always keep safety in mind—you want to make sure everyone involved is treated with love and respect. Even if emotions run high, no one should ever make anyone else feel uncomfortable during a discussion. If things start to get heated (or too personal), politely stop what you’re doing and take a break until everyone cools down again. If emotions continue after trying, take another break. It may take several attempts before things calm down, but it’s worth taking a step back until everyone is ready to proceed peacefully.
Know when you should walk away
There are also times when communication just isn’t possible. Sometimes there is no way around an impasse and someone else should try speaking with those involved. If people aren’t open or receptive, walk away. Don’t push them further—that will only make them feel more defensive and will lead you down a fruitless path. Sometimes, people are just having off days, so give them some space before revisiting the problem-solving strategies. Sometimes, to help others and think clearly, we may need to remove ourselves.
If taking yourself out of the situation doesn’t help—if your retreatant becomes violent (verbally or physically), then consult your local police department immediately. Violence has no place in any situation. Violent behavior will not be tolerated, and we should try to walk away as soon as we realize it’s happening. Whatever happens, remember that you aren’t responsible for another person’s actions; you cannot force someone else to communicate with you when they don’t want to, always practice safety first. If you are threatened in any way, local authorities will have a better idea about how to proceed than anyone at a retreat center ever could. They’ve been trained for these exact situations.
If we get impatient or frustrated with participants because they don’t want to talk about things, we may miss what could very well be the root of their hesitancy.
Know what policies your retreat center follows, consult them if there is any confusion about what to do, and never feel ashamed for following their rules; doing so is what keeps everyone safe from harm and it’s your responsibility to make sure everyone in your party feels safe while they’re onsite. What works well in one situation may not work at all in another; communication, patience, and careful attention to all parties involved go a long way toward diffusing tense situations before things turn ugly or someone gets hurt.
It’s easy to get caught up in the planning, logistics, and details of a spiritual retreat. But as you plan your next event, take some time to contemplate how situations of conflict can serve an important purpose that will help you grow spiritually. Conflict is a natural part of life, and while it can be difficult to manage at times, it’s also an opportunity for growth. The best way to deal with it is by understanding the human condition, being grateful for adversity, and practicing mindfulness. I hope the tools you learned in this blog post will help make your next retreat full of peace and self-discovery and if a conflict arises, you have the tools to work through it with grace.